Book of Longing Read online

  You walk into my room.

  You sit there at my desk,

  Begin your letter to

  The one who’s coming next.

  KITCHEN TABLE

  The same useless thoughts arise

  but no one claims them –

  Loneliness seizes the frame

  and shakes away hope

  but no one is hopeless

  no one is lonely –

  The intricate preparations

  for the next moment

  direct you

  to read this now –

  Surrendered to the One

  who placed me here

  I sit at the very table

  where these songs began

  some forty years ago –

  busy as a bee

  in the solitude

  – Hydra, 1999

  GRAVITY

  I never tried to see your face,

  Nor did I want to know

  The details of some lower place

  Where I would have to go.

  But love is strong as gravity,

  And everyone must fall.

  At first it’s from the apple tree,

  And then the western wall.

  At first it’s from the apple tree,

  And then the western wall.

  And then from you and then from me

  And then from one and all

  THE SUN

  I’ve been to the sun

  It’s nothing special

  A place of violence

  Much like our own

  The sun said

  I am an open book

  Be patient

  I love the way

  The sun speaks

  It is so calm and honest

  Except when seized

  By its own misfortunes

  You will find

  That everything happens

  The same way

  Here and there

  The solar winds

  Are something else

  No one masters them

  No one really

  Navigates them

  You survive them

  Or you are never

  Heard from again

  Go LITTLE BOOK

  Go little book

  And hide

  And be ashamed

  Of your irrelevance

  A fluke

  Has made you prominent

  You were meant

  To be discovered

  Later

  When there are no more

  Floods and earthquakes

  And holy wars

  Go little book

  And stop disgracing me

  There are serious men

  And women in my life

  And you have given them

  The upper hand

  Hide behind

  A window

  O my dear lighthearted

  And transparent

  Book

  Or crush yourself

  Beneath a defeat

  But hide

  Hide quickly now

  And let me hear from you

  In our secret code

  Which resembles

  A bad cough

  That dark rattle

  Which ignores

  The challenges of love

  The crystals of perfection

  O speak to me

  From places

  You will find

  Go little book

  Invite me there

  HOSPITALITY

  drinking cognac

  with the old man –

  his exquisite hospitality

  in the shack by the river –

  that is, no hospitality

  just emptying the bottle into my glass

  and filling my plate

  and falling asleep

  when it was time to go

  THE CENTRE

  When I am at the centre

  of my unrequited love

  I cannot hold it as an object

  It has no sharp edges

  to torture anyone

  I breathe the fragrance

  of the longing

  and the longing

  has no proprietor

  “O my love” embraces

  the great wide sky

  as the night picks through

  the constellations

  lifting necklace

  after dripping necklace

  for the delight

  of Leonard’s true beloved

  “0 my love” cries out

  from every pore of snow

  and the forest answers

  from a great height:

  “O my love”

  And one heart appears

  and one heart dissolves

  and they clasp in the place

  where I am held up

  in the storm

  And I walk to you

  on the waves of desire

  walk across the distance

  with something new to tell you

  about your beauty

  your good legs

  and your relentless absence

  YOUR RELENTLESS APPETITE FOR NEW PERSPECTIVES

  When You wanted

  to see her

  in a different light

  You placed her

  in my arms

  When You wanted

  to vanish

  in a sigh of relief

  You drew down her lips

  to mine

  O Nameless Subject

  of all activity

  You have given me a song

  for my ghostly life

  How deep is Your longing

  for Yourself

  how sublimely overlooked

  We kneel in gratitude

  as the movements in love

  disperse our sweet intentions

  across the fictions

  of Companionship –

  two of the creatures

  which You named Me

  BETTER TO BE LOST

  It is better when I’m lost

  and the towns flow by

  like television

  and you want to be an artist

  and draw the waitress’s lips

  It is better when I wake up

  alone in the cold sauna

  and get to know the wood again

  the red wood, the cedar

  the old oaken bucket

  the old rugged cross

  O my children it is better

  to be lost when you are

  this poisoned father

  at the woman’s banquet of love

  and I did not take you

  to hunt the bear

  or spear the fish

  I did not spirit you away

  from the intrigue

  to the forest green

  where I slept with

  a person named Sahara

  beside The Devil’s River

  and I knew how to put up

  a tent in the wind

  It is better to be lost

  to fall asleep according

  to the terrors of CNN

  dead drunk on red wine

  digging for the sunlight

  in the German documentary

  that never turns into English

  It is better to be the blood

  inside my own hand

  with its own sweet life

  its innocent joyous burden

  of service

  O thank you dear sweet

  loyal blood of my hand

  I promise never to raise you

  again in anger

  INSIDE OUR LOVE

  I want to love you now

  I want to love you then

  I want to love you never

  And then begin again

  All the tassels of my belt

  Go flying in the sky

  When you bend down to laugh at me

  From your place on high

  I want to be the fool

  The one
you send away

  After you have used him up

  Every second day

  I want to be the rose

  You beckon with a yawn

  Limping on a thorny crutch

  Across the burning lawn

  See what you have done to me

  As if you give a shit

  I used to live behind a line

  But now I’m over it

  I won’t come back to say goodbye

  I’ll never leave your side

  Until I am the other man

  And you are someone’s bride

  Sit down on my memory

  When you are in pain

  When you are in pleasure

  Sit down on it again

  Thank you for your courtesy

  And for your drunken kiss

  I’m drunker than you’ll ever be

  I hate to tell you this

  And every night’s cemented tight

  Until you strike and rise

  Against me like a tidal flood

  To crack the wall of lies

  And push me down forever

  To places where I find

  The fossils of my brotherhood

  The smooth ones and the spined

  And then a holy moment comes

  With crisp sobriety:

  I see that we are meant for chains

  Though every atom’s free

  I see that we are meant for chains

  Tho’ every atom’s free

  And even beauty meets an edge

  As one can plainly see

  Then summer has your golden hair

  And autumn has your ghost

  And we are at a juicy feast

  Where no one is the host

  Then we begin to form again

  It takes a little while

  I circle round your privacy

  For many a lonesome mile

  HALF THE WORLD

  Every night she’d come to me

  I’d cook for her, I’d pour her tea

  She was in her thirties then

  had made some money, lived with men

  We’d lay us down to give and get

  beneath the white mosquito net

  And since no counting had begun

  we lived a thousand years in one

  The candles burned, the moon went down

  the polished hill, the milky town

  transparent, weightless, luminous,

  uncovering the two of us

  on that fundamental ground,

  where love’s unwilled, unleashed, unbound

  and half the perfect world is found

  CHEATER

  I cheat when I make love

  She thinks it’s great

  She shows me stuff

  that you’d only show

  to a cheater

  THE FLOOD

  The flood it is gathering

  Soon it will move

  Across every valley

  Against every roof

  The body will drown

  And the soul will break loose

  I write all this down

  But I don’t have the proof

  – Sinai, 1973

  Index of Titles / drawings, first lines

  a private gaze 96

  Alexandra Leaving 60

  All My News 42

  Alone at Last 173

  angry at 11 pm 134

  Another Christopher 132

  Another Poet 186

  Anything Which Refers 176

  Argument 130

  back in montreal 172

  Backyard 150

  Basket 51

  Beach at Kamini, The 80

  Because of a Few Songs 208

  Best, The 141

  Better 11

  Better to Be Lost 220

  Body of Loneliness 40

  Boogie Street 64

  Book of Longing, The 1

  but turn me on my side… 224

  Butter Dish 129

  By the Rivers Dark 53

  Centre, The 218

  Cheater 228

  Cigarette Issue, The 71

  Clockwork 142

  Cold, The 84

  Collapse of Zen, The 19

  Correct Attitude, The 157

  Cross, The 123

  Darkness Enters, The 182

  Dear Diary 83

  dear roshi… 23

  Delay 101

  Disturbed This Morning 39

  Drunk Is Gender-Free, The 143

  During the Day 81

  Dusko’s Taverna 1967 75

  Early Morning at Mt. Baldy 21

  Early Questions 45

  Even Now 185

  Even Some of My Own 166

  Faith, The 198

  Faithless Wife, The 147

  falling in love with you 118

  First of All 122

  Flood, The 229

  Flow, The 194

  Food Tastes Good 48

  for all my art… 155

  Fun 49

  furthermore, you do not have… 203

  Go Little Book 216

  Goal, The 153

  Good Germans 94

  Gravity 212

  Great Divide, The 191

  Great Event, The 108

  Half the World 226

  Her Friend 188

  Here It Is 199

  His Master’s Voice 3

  Historic Claremont Village 38

  Hospitality 217

  How Could I Have Doubted 106

  I Am Now Able 193

  i believe that you are standing… 52

  i copied time 223

  i guess it’s better to start a war 189

  I Miss My Mother 72

  i never found the girl 35

  I Wrote for Love 89

  If I Could Help You 95

  if you are young… 59

  If You Knew 88

  Inside Our Love 221

  Irving and Me at the Hospital 205

  It Seemed the Better Way 190

  Jana Thinks of John 177

  jikan who pretended to be a poet… 184

  just to have been one of them… 36

  Kitchen Table 211

  Laughter in the Pantheon 82

  Layton’s Question 87

  Leaving Mt. Baldy 22

  Letters, The 209

  Life of Errands, A 66

  Limited Degree, A 65

  Looking Away 165

  Looking Through My Dreams 179

  Lorca Lives 90

  Love Itself 54

  Lovesick Monk, The 13

  Luckiest Man in the World, The 24

  Magic Cure, A 85

  Medicine 17

  Mercy Returns Me 91

  Mission 68

  Mist of Pornography, The 98

  monk’s head, artist’s proof 27

  Montreal Afternoon 102

  Moon, The 46

  Moving Into a Period 34

  Much Later 131

  My Baby Wasn’t There 74

  My Consort 37

  my guitar… 195

  My Life in Robes 2

  My Mother Asleep 137

  My Mother Is Not Dead 139

  My Redeemer 121

  My Time 178

  Need the Speed 105

  Never Mind 144

  Never Once 162

  Nightingale 146

  Not a Jew 158

  Note to the Chinese Reader, A 196

  Now In My Room 181

  oh and one more thing 167

  Old Automat on 23rd St., The 77

  On the Path 120

  One of My Letters 5

  one of those days… 116

  only one thing made him happy… 210

  Opened My Eyes 156

  Other Writers 15

  Pardon Me 187

  paris again… 78

  Paris Sky, The 109

  Party Was Over Then Too, The 25

  pretending to dig in 227

  Promise, A 202

  Puerto Ri
can Song, A 63

  Puppets 160

  Reading to the Prime Minister 104

  Religious Statues 69

  Remote, The 97

  Report to R.S.B. 204

  Robert Appears Again 138

  Roshi 16

  Roshi at 89 4

  Seisen Is Dancing 33

  Separated 133

  Shirley 140

  sit still… 206

  So Do You 180

  Something from the Early Seventies 125

  soon there will be no one… 214

  Sorrows of the Elderly 171

  S.O.S. 1995 7

  Split 58

  Stanzas for H.M. 113

  still looking at the girls… 207

  Story Thus Far, The 110

  stunned and still not suffering 174

  Suggestions 183

  Sun, The 213

  Sweet Time 47

  Sweetest Little Song, The 111

  Takanawa Prince Hotel Bar 31

  taxes children lost pussy… 175

  the face can be composed… 41

  the inner sweetness of the man… 117

  the lamp in room 3 225

  the promise of a youthful shirt 100

  the road is too long 215

  the truth of the line… 86

  There for You 201

  There Is a Moment 145

  these portraits are far behind my… 62

  Thing 112

  Third Invention, The 136

  this book will begin to speak… 119

  This Is It 28

  this is the best way to do it 164

  This Isn’t China 30

  this mood has nothing to do with you 161

  Thousand Kisses Deep 56

  Thousands 73

  Tired 124

  Titles 159

  To a Young Nun 14

  Too Old 79

  Tradition, The 92

  Travelling Light #31 149

  True Self 18

  Unbecoming 76

  vibrant, but dead 152

  Voice Dictating in a Plane Over Europe 107

  we are not convinced… 50

  we will all be airbrushed 128

  we will not be staying… 197

  What Baffled Me 169

  What Did It 70

  When I Drink 9

  When I Went Out 151

  Who Do You Really Remember 163

  Why I Love France 115