Book of Longing Read online

still hanging on one foot,

  and nothing on my mind

  but to be inside

  the only place

  that has

  no inside,

  and no outside.

  BODY OF LONELINESS

  She entered my foot with her foot

  and she entered my waist with her snow.

  She entered my heart saying,

  “Yes, that’s right.”

  And so the Body of Loneliness

  was covered from without,

  and from within

  the Body of Loneliness was embraced.

  Now every time I try to draw a breath

  she whispers to my breathlessness,

  “Yes, my love, that’s right, that’s right.”

  ALL MY NEWS

  1.

  I was not meant

  to be renown

  in the present

  market town,

  but in the future

  some may find

  what might be used

  to change a mind

  from slaughter

  in the name of peace

  to honouring

  complexities,

  and thus influence

  politics

  with deeper balance

  deeper checks.

  And no one has

  to be afraid

  when on this Path

  the deal is made.

  2.

  Look on low

  look on high,

  see with Love’s

  inhuman eye

  not only charge

  of opposites

  (the broken heart

  the healing fix),

  but what engenders

  every turn –

  the leader on her

  knees will learn.

  And he who’s sick

  with heavy thought

  will cherish it

  and fold his cot.

  3.

  Do not decode

  these cries of mine –

  They are the road,

  and not the sign.

  Nor deconstruct

  my drugless high –

  I’m sober but

  I like to fly.

  Then quickened with

  my open talk,

  you need not pick

  the ancient lock.

  4.

  Mystery now,

  and now Revealed

  I bend to Thee

  my will to yield,

  and whisper here

  my gratitude

  for every tear

  of restless mood;

  Who let me breach

  the walls of time

  so I could touch

  the ones to come

  with wisdom that

  my parents spoke

  (established on an anecdote),

  and shorthand of

  the unborn mind

  with Graceful effort

  all combined.

  5.

  Undeciphered

  let my song

  rewire circuits

  wired wrong,

  and with my jingle

  in your brain,

  allow the Bridge

  to arch again.

  YOU ARE RIGHT, SAHARA

  You are right, Sahara. There are no mists, or veils, or distances. But the mist is surrounded by a mist; and the veil is hidden behind a veil; and the distance continually draws away from the distance. That is why there are no mists, or veils, or distances. That is why it is called The Great Distance of Mist and Veils. It is here that The Traveller becomes The Wanderer, and The Wanderer becomes The One Who Is Lost, and The One Who Is Lost becomes The Seeker, and The Seeker becomes The Passionate Lover, and The Passionate Lover becomes The Beggar, and The Beggar becomes The Wretch, and The Wretch becomes The One Who Must Be Sacrificed, and The One Who Must Be Sacrificed becomes The Resurrected One, and The Resurrected One becomes The One Who Has Transcended The Great Distance of Mist and Veils. Then for a thousand years, or the rest of the afternoon, such a One spins in the Blazing Fire of Changes, embodying all the transformations, one after the other, and then beginning again, and then ending again, 86,000 times a second. Then such a One, if he is a man, is ready to love the woman Sahara; and such a One, if she is a woman, is ready to love the man who can put into song The Great Distance of Mist and Veils. Is it you who is waiting, Sahara, or is it me?

  EARLY QUESTIONS

  Why do cloisters of radiant nuns study your production, while I drink the tea called Smooth Move, alone in my cabin during the howling winter?

  Why do you mount the High Seat and deliver an incomprehensible discourse on The Source of All Things, which includes questionable observations on the contract between men and women, while I sit on the floor twisted into the Lotus Position (which is not meant for North Americans), laying out the grid-lines of shining modern cities where, far from your authority, democracy and romance can flourish?

  Why do you fall asleep when, in order to familiarize you with our culture, I screen important sex videos, and then when they’re finished, why do you suddenly wake up and say: “Study human love interesting, but not so interesting?”

  Why can’t the Great Vehicle, which rolls so merrily through the quaint streets of Kyoto, make it up the switchbacks of Mt. Baldy? And if it can’t, is it any good to us?

  Why do the irises bend to you, while dangerous pine cones fall from a considerable height on our unprotected bald heads?

  Why do you command us to talk, and then talk instead?

  It is because a bell has summoned me to your room, it is because I am speechless in the honour of your company, it is because I am reeling in the fragrance of some unutterable hospitality, it is because I have forgotten all my questions, that I throw myself to the floor, and vanish into yours.

  – Mt. Baldy, 1998

  THE MOON

  The moon is outside.

  I saw the great uncomplicated thing

  when I went to take a leak just now.

  I should have looked at it longer.

  I am a poor lover of the moon.

  I see it all at once and that’s it

  for me and the moon.

  SWEET TIME

  How sweet time feels

  when it’s too late

  and you don’t have to follow

  her swinging hips

  all the way into

  your dying imagination

  FOOD TASTES GOOD

  Food tastes good

  but I’d rather not eat

  Touching a beautiful young woman

  is a great honour

  in this vale of tears

  forgive me if I pass on this

  or take a rain check

  Meditation calms the fevered heart

  or so the advertising goes

  but it drives me

  up the wall

  of gossip and breathlessness

  Furthermore

  I don’t want to be a friend to everyone

  I haven’t got that much time

  I’m fasting

  I’m fasting secretly

  to make my face thin

  so G-d can love me

  as He did before

  I had the slightest interest

  in these matters

  FUN

  It is so much fun

  to believe in G-d

  You must try it sometime

  Try it now

  and find out whether

  or not

  G-d wants you

  to believe in Him

  BASKET

  You should go

  from place to place

  recovering the poems

  that have been written for you,

  to which ou can affix your signature.

  Don’t discuss these matters

  with anyone.

  Retrieve. Retrieve.

  When the basket is full

  someone will appear

&n
bsp; to whom you can present it.

  She will spread her wide skirt

  and sit down

  on a black stone

  and your basket will bounce

  like a speck in sunlight

  on the immense landscape

  of her lap.

  BY THE RIVERS DARK

  By the rivers dark

  I wandered on

  I lived my life

  in Babylon

  and I did forget

  my holy song

  and I had no strength

  in Babylon

  by the rivers dark

  where I could not see

  who was waiting there

  who was hunting me

  and he cut my lip

  and he cut my heart

  so I could not drink

  from the river dark

  and he covered me

  and I saw within

  my lawless heart

  and my wedding ring

  I did not know

  and I could not see

  who was waiting there

  who was hunting me

  by the rivers dark

  I panicked on

  I belonged at last

  to Babylon

  then he struck my heart

  with a deadly force

  and he said, “This heart

  it is not yours.”

  and he gave the wind

  my wedding ring

  and he circled me

  with everything

  by the rivers dark

  in a wounded dawn

  I live my life

  in Babylon

  tho’ I take my song

  from a withered limb

  both song and tree

  they sing for him

  be the truth unsaid

  and the blessing gone

  if I forget

  my Babylon

  I did not know

  and I could not see

  who was waiting there

  who was hunting me

  by the rivers dark

  where it all goes on

  by the rivers dark

  in Babylon

  LOVE ITSELF

  for L.W.

  The light came through the window,

  Straight from the sun above,

  And so inside my little room

  There plunged the rays of Love.

  In streams of light I clearly saw

  The dust you seldom see,

  Out of which the Nameless makes

  A Name for one like me.

  I’ll try to say a little more:

  Love went on and on

  Until it reached an open door –

  Then Love Itself was gone.

  All busy in the sunlight

  The flecks did float and dance,

  And I was tumbled up with them

  In formless circumstance.

  Then I came back from where I’d been

  My room, it looked the same –

  But there was nothing left between

  The Nameless and the Name.

  I’ll try to say a little more:

  Love went on and on

  Until it reached an open door –

  Then Love Itself was gone.

  YOU HAVE LOVED ENOUGH

  I said I’d be your lover.

  You laughed at what I said.

  I lost my job forever.

  I was counted with the dead.

  I swept the marble chambers,

  But you sent me down below.

  You kept me from believing

  Until you let me know:

  That I am not the one who loves –

  It’s love that seizes me.

  When hatred with his package comes,

  You forbid delivery.

  And when the hunger for your touch

  Rises from the hunger,

  You whisper, “You have loved enough,

  Now let me be the Lover.”

  THOUSAND KISSES DEEP

  for Sandy 1945–1998

  1.

  You came to me this morning

  And you handled me like meat

  You’d have to be a man to know

  How good that feels how sweet

  My mirror twin my next of kin

  I’d know you in my sleep

  And who but you would take me in

  A thousand kisses deep

  I loved you when you opened

  Like a lily to the heat

  I’m just another snowman

  Standing in the rain and sleet

  Who loved you with his frozen love

  His second-hand physique

  With all he is and all he was

  A thousand kisses deep

  I know you had to lie to me

  I know you had to cheat

  To pose all hot and high behind

  The veils of sheer deceit

  Our perfect porn aristocrat

  So elegant and cheap

  I’m old but I’m still into that

  A thousand kisses deep

  And I’m still working with the wine

  Still dancing cheek to cheek

  The band is playing Auld Lang Syne

  The heart will not retreat

  I ran with Diz and Danté

  I never had their sweep

  But once or twice they let me play

  A thousand kisses deep

  The autumn slipped across your skin

  Got something in my eye

  A light that doesn’t need to live

  And doesn’t need to die

  A riddle in the book of love

  Obscure and obsolete

  Till witnessed here in time and blood

  A thousand kisses deep

  I’m good at love I’m good at hate

  It’s in between I freeze

  Been working out but it’s too late

  It’s been too late for years

  But you look fine you really do

  The pride of Boogie Street

  Somebody must have died for you

  A thousand kisses deep

  I loved you when you opened

  Like a lily to the heat

  I’m just another snowman

  Standing in the rain and sleet

  But you don’t need to hear me now

  And every word I speak

  It counts against me anyhow

  A thousand kisses deep.

  2.

  The ponies run the girls are young

  The odds are there to beat

  You win a while and then it’s done

  Your little winning streak

  And summoned now to deal

  With your invincible defeat

  You live your life as if it’s real

  A thousand kisses deep.

  I’m turning tricks, I’m getting fixed

  I’m back on Boogie Street

  You lose your grip and then you slip

  Into the Masterpiece

  And maybe I had miles to drive

  And promises to keep

  You ditch it all to stay alive

  A thousand kisses deep

  Confined to sex we pressed against

  The limits of the sea

  I saw there were no oceans left

  For scavengers like me

  I made it to the forward deck

  I blessed our remnant fleet

  And then consented to be wrecked

  A thousand kisses deep

  I’m turning tricks, I’m getting fixed

  I’m back on Boogie Street

  I guess they won’t exchange the gifts

  That you were meant to keep

  And sometimes when the night is slow

  The wretched and the meek

  We gather up our hearts and go

  A thousand kisses deep

  And fragrant is the thought of you

  The file on you complete

  Except what we forgot to do

  A thou
sand kisses deep

  SPLIT

  What can I do

  with this love of mine

  with this hairy knob

  with this poison wine

  Who shall I take

  to the edge of despair

  with my knee on her heart

  and my lips in her hair

  So I’ll take all my love

  and I’ll split it in two

  and there’s one part for me

  and there’s one part for you

  And we’ll drink the wine

  and we’ll hide the staff

  and the lover will groan

  and the other will laugh

  And I’ll go to your bed

  and I’ll lie by your side

  and I’ll bury the bones

  and I’ll marry the bride

  And you’ll do the same

  when you come to my room

  You’ll dig in my dirt

  and you’ll bury the groom

  And I swear by this love

  which is living and dead

  that we will be separate

  and we will be wed

  – Mt. Baldy, 1994

  ALEXANDRA LEAVING

  after “The God Abandons Anthony,” by C. Cavafy

  Suddenly the night has grown colder.

  Some deity preparing to depart.

  Alexandra hoisted on his shoulder,

  they slip between the sentries of your heart.

  Upheld by the simplicities of pleasure,

  they gain the light, they formlessly entwine;

  and radiant beyond your widest measure

  they fall among the voices and the wine.

  It’s not a trick, your senses all deceiving,

  a fitful dream the morning will exhaust –